Author: sarahjeandubois

What is self-love? Google defines it as regard for one’s own well-being and happiness. For me self-love means taking care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually that will lead you down the right path of happiness. I say your own path because every person’s path is different. No one has the exact same path. You have to do what is right for you and what makes you happy. Your self-love is and always should be your number one priority.

How can we be truly happy though if we are not aligned with ourselves? That feeling of being centered. Grounded. I have only experienced this kind of feeling every once in a blue moon. There’s always that sense of self-doubt in the back of my mind and a question that always rises to the surface.

Am I allowed to be happy?

Wait a second. Why am I seeking permission to be happy?

For me the answer is because I have always felt the need to make sure everyone else is ok before I was. I would always put myself on the back burner. I didn’t realize this until now, but I felt like I was being selfish if I was putting my needs in front of everyone else.

Doing this for most of my life, being a people pleaser, has left me feeling lost and alone. I know I’ve got some amazing people in my corner, but there’s always been a part of me that wishes I could find the right balance. Still making others happy, but not feeling guilty when I need to be happy first. That sense of euphoria I always dream about having. I know I can get there someday. I just have to keep working at it.

 Since writing has always been a great coping tool for me, I found a self-love poetry journal that has been helping. Here is the link for it below…

https://www.littleinfinite.com/free-download-self-love-poetry-prompt-journal?utm_kxconfid=tr0oy2z06&utm_medium=linktree&utm_source=organic&utm_campaign=li_link_tree

The first activity talks about affirmations. My therapist recommended I say daily affirmations to myself to stay on this path to self-love. There are many other exercises that I can’t wait to work on because I know this is what’s going to help me get there.

My therapist also recommend that I share an activity for us to try if we would like. These are word searches that you can do and once you are done with the Solve the Word Search Puzzles, you find and circle all words on the list. The leftover letters in the puzzle form a Mystery Sentence — a message from a Melody Beattie book. It’s definitely worth a try if you are a fan of word searches like me.

https://melodybeattie.com/fun-and-games/

There is also from the same lady, Melody Beattie, a blog she writes that appears to be all about the self-care too. I am definitely going to check this out as well. You can find the link here:

https://melodybeattie.com/category/self-care/

Every person’s journey is different and I want you to find your own path towards happiness. I can’t wait to write an updated blog post of this one when the time comes. I know I’m on the right path. I just have to follow it and trust that I am doing the right thing. No more self-doubt. Sure, there will be setbacks. For example, I almost had a panic attack recently and now I feel like I’m stuck in the same old rut again. But I reminded myself of my journal that I need to work on as well as saying my affirmations again. Because sometimes you find yourself having to say them more than once a day. Sometimes I think I should have ones for when I wake up, ones for the middle of the day and ones for at night.

Even as of this post I still feel a little self-doubt, but the trick is telling that voice to “shut up” and focus on what’s important here. Staying on your journey of self-love. Continue down the right path and the happiness you seek will be yours.

         I am here for you always. 

         Stay safe and be well,

         Sarah

Has anyone ever had to make a really hard decision before? One that makes you nervous as hell, but you know you’ll feel better afterwards? That was me ten years ago; I was still young and naive. Wishing that things were better and wishing that he was better. Wishing that I was better. I am talking about my ex-boyfriend. Why do you ask that I am still wanting to talk about him after all of these years later? Its because sometimes those scars never fully heal. By sharing my story, I hope that I can help others realize a lot sooner than I did with the signs. To also be able to gather up the courage to leave before things get worse. Before you feel so trapped that there is no other way out. I don’t want this to happen to you. Please seek help the sooner the better! I hope that I can help you to make that difficult decision in your life. NO ONE should ever have to go through something like this. Here is my story.

         They say “love is blind”. That was an understatement for me. I didn’t think anyone could or would want to love me. All throughout middle school and high school I was never a part of the popular crowd nor did any guy ask me out. Not even to a homecoming dance. Not as “just friends” either. So naturally the first guy that had taken an interest in me, I decided to go for it. Take the jump. Boy was I stupid.

         We met through a mutual friend of ours back when I was going to the Technical College in 2007. He was kind, caring and respectable towards women. He would always make sure that I was well taken care of and that I was safe. That was what made me feel so attracted to him. He also had this confidence about him too. I think that is what makes guys attractive to me as well. But then again don’t they all start out being nice to hook you in? Make you believe all of their quiet lies? Well I fell for it.

         My ex felt like he was the one in control. He tried to make me feel ashamed of my inadequacies to make himself feel more powerful. He would sometimes have these outbursts in an unpredictable way too. Most of the time I would walk on eggshells because I really don’t know what kind of mood he was in. Happy, sad or angry. He was like a ticking time bomb. I didn’t even realize there was another name for this kind of abuse until I watched a classic movie awhile back called, “Gaslight”. It certainly brought back some horrible memories. These signs that I found below are exactly how I felt for those three years that I was with him. How did I ever manage to duke it out for that long?

         At this point in my life I was also hanging out with my sister and her friends too. My ex would get jealous because I would be hugging her friends. Her guy friends too. I am a hugger. I am what I am and I saw no shame in that. Apparently, my ex didn’t feel the same way. He would tease me and accuse me of liking them and wanting to go out with them. What a jerk right? Where’s the trust? He had friends that were girls. He was even still friends with some of his exes, which I didn’t like, but my opinion never mattered. Why couldn’t I have guy friends? Possessive much? I think so.

         He would always demand respect too and to make me feel worse about anything wrong I did. When I did do something wrong, he would either yell at me, withhold affection, or shut down completely. I would feel so much shame and guilt that I would apologize even though it wouldn’t even be my fault. He NEVER apologized to me. I even changed my hair for him because it was what HE wanted.

         There is an article that I had found most helpful when I was writing this post that I think could be helpful for you too. There is a portion that talks about if you might be codependent and what you can do to seek help. I know that it will be helpful for you to recognize the signs:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

For three whole years I had put up with his (pardon my French) bullshit. When I had finally had enough, it was then in September of 2010 when I realized that I had been in denial for so long. I decided to end it one Sunday night after we got into yet another fight. When he asked me for the last time when I was moving out, I told him this weekend. It really threw him for a loop and it woke him up real fast. At first, he was shocked, but then he started to cry. Sobbing actually. He begged me to stay and to give him another chance, but the truth was, I didn’t love him anymore. All of the yelling and negativity pushed me so far away. How could anyone still be in love after all of that? I wanted those tiny pieces to heal and me staying in that relationship was not going to cut it. I was done. I wanted my soul to be free of this chaos. I needed my own space to figure out what my next step in my life was. I wanted to be free and myself again. You could tell he really felt like shit and I was glad. I’m sorry if that sounded mean, but I didn’t care. He made me feel like shit for three years! I was done. I had enough. I was not going to allow him to take control of me anymore. That was the first time I grew a backbone and it felt great! I felt so free and that huge weight was finally lifted off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to constantly worry anymore about whether or not I was going to be yelled at for every single little thing that I did. All of that emotional abuse took a toll on me and I’m so glad that I didn’t have to live with that anymore. I had also realized that by moving out and living somewhere else, how free I could be and that I can be myself and learn to enjoy life all over again. I was happy!

         Even though this was only part of my story, I shared with you most of the highlights so you could hopefully recognize the signs for yourself. Thankfully this story does have a happy ending! I have been married to my wonderful husband of almost seven years (as of this post) and we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter. I am so grateful to have them in my life. Even though I managed to save myself and got out before it got worse, my husband saved me in a way too. You see I was friends with him while still going out with my ex. He showed me that there is more than just the abusive kind out there. He loves me for me and doesn’t belittle me or crush my spirit. He treats me with respect and we have built a strong foundation of trust and honesty. You can have that too. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy and loves you for you. Don’t wait. That part of your life was not meant to be it. Trust your instincts and break free. You deserve more! You deserve better! I am here for you always.

Be well,

Sarah

Have you ever been the kind of person that worries about everyone else and wants to make sure other people are taken care of first? That would be me too. I’ve always felt the need to take care of other people first. Friends and Family mostly, like my little sister for example. Ever since we were younger, I’ve always felt the need to make sure that she’s ok. It was so hard to take care of myself back then. Maybe because I didn’t really know how. It sounds silly and slightly embarrassing, but it’s true. I’ve always put other people first. Even now I make sure that my daughter is asleep before me. I first started doing that when I started having sleepovers with my friends when we were kids. I wanted to make sure that they were ok before I fell asleep. Of course, with my daughter sometimes she is up long past her bedtime! She got my husbands night owl gene, but that’s another story. Even with get togethers and parties, I would get stressed and anxious prior to the event and even during because I am that worried if things are going to be perfect or not. I just want people to have a great time. I know everyone has told me that they’ve had fun, but it’s just the way I am. Putting others before myself. They have done nothing wrong of course, but I am left exhausted about it all by the end of the day. Thankfully I stress less about it because it’s the same people that come and I am more comfortable with it since everyone gets along and they really don’t care what my house looks like. We all just like to be together and have fun. Bonus, all of our kids get along great too! Even though they see each other a few times a year and are all different ages, it’s still great to see how well they do get along! Saying this really makes me wonder if all of that stress/anxiety was really worth having? Why do I get myself so worked up over something so silly?! What I really should be doing is to try and live in the moment because before you know it, that moment is gone and all you have left to show for it is feeling of shame and guilt. “When you feel shame, you’re feeling that your whole self is wrong and when you feel guilty, you’re making a judgement that something you’ve done is wrong.” -Kristalyn Salters, PhD at verywellmind.com. I felt that I was going to do something wrong for fear of not being fully prepared, so then I felt guilty because I spent all of this time worrying, when all I should’ve done is do a better job at managing my time.

So, what do you plan on doing about it? For me it’s all about the deep breathing exercises, or diaphragmatic breathing, and writing down in your thoughts either in a journal or in a thought record. So, what are diaphragmatic breathing and thought records you ask? Diaphragmatic breathing is what you use if you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder or from panic attacks. By learning how to breathe from your diaphragm, you can help overcome the shallow chest breathing that you’re experiencing from either a panic attack or just feeling anxious. You can practice this at home for fifteen minutes a few times a day so that when you’re out in public and you are experiencing symptoms, you can do this easily to manage your symptoms. I will post a link below that shows a video on how to do this properly.

A thought record is different than just a regular journal. A regular journal helps you to get your thoughts down to help you feel better which is great, but a thought record, or cognitive monitoring form, helps you to make you feel more aware of your feelings. I will also post a printable link for you to do this exercise as well.

With both of these exercises, I hope that it will help you to feel much better about yourself. The more you practice these, the better you will be at both. Believe me. I’m still learning and practicing. Take care of you first. Remember, you are enough.

Until next time.

Stay safe and be well.

Link to diaphragmatic breathing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ua9bOsZTYg

Free printable for thought record:

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ThoughtRecordSheet7.pdf

Do you ever get the feeling that you just want to be alone for a while? Sometimes you just want to go and take a drive with no destination in mind. I’ve had that feeling ever since I could drive. Before that, I was either holed up in my room or lost in a good book. I would do this frequently. There were times were I just wanted to be by myself for a little bit and to escape from my family. Even when I was a child, I wished I could just go somewhere else and to not be around them. I felt like I was totally alone and didn’t have anyone to turn to or talk to. Growing up in a split family setting, I didn’t know where I belonged. My mom remarried and my dad was living alone until he met someone else. My step-father had his three kids, with his middle child, a daughter, the same age as me. My sister was the baby so you can imagine how alone I was. He never really paid any attention to me and when he did, it wasn’t nice. We mostly kept to ourselves, but if I were to do or say anything wrong, he would retaliate in his own way. He would either be condescending or one time, he threw me up the stairs if I wasn’t doing what he had told me to do. He never asked. It was his way or no way. I felt trapped. Did he do this with his own kids or my sister. Hell no. It was me and only me. I didn’t know it then, but maybe this was the start of my anxiety and depression. Maybe this was the reason I would just shut down and not speak about it to anyone until years later. If you are finding either your child or your self shutting down and not finding a way to cope, then there are ways to find healthy outlets out there. Talking about it and reassuring one another that it’s OK to be alone, but not lonely. It’s OK to find an outlet that works best for you, but not to dwell on your negative thoughts. It’s OK to have these feelings your feeling, but it’s best to talk it out with someone that you know and trust. Poetry and just writing in general were another outlet I would use in order to get my feelings out. Writing in my journal has always been a huge part of my life and I would feel so much better after I would get my thoughts down on paper. Children can also see their guidance counselor for help and advice on what to do. I wished I would’ve done that. I can’t imagine what children and mostly teenagers are going through now with social media around. Family counselors would be great in this aspect as well. If your children are uncomfortable talking about their feelings in front of you, then a therapist would be good too. They can help you cope in ways that family members can’t. They will still always be there for you, so don’t ever forget that, no matter how old you are. Being lonely can leave you feeling hollow, worthless and drained. Especially if you’re in the darkness for too long. Don’t let you mind wander. Keep focusing on your breathing and stay in the moment. Seek help. Talk to someone. It’s so important that you do. Here’s a coping tool called “Grounding with your Five Senses”that might help you calm down when your anxiety is spiraling out of control and to help keep you focused:

                                  5 things you can see

                                  4 things you can touch

                                  3 things you can hear

                                  2 things you can smell

                                  1 thing you can taste

Remember to write down your thoughts too. I find that writing things down is also a good way to get them out of my head. You can also watch free videos on nowmattersnow.org. There is always the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you wish to talk to someone who can help you get through this. Their number is: 1-800-273-8255. It provides free and confidential support for people in distress. They are here for you as well as I. Whatever you are going through, know that there is someone out there that can help. Please know and remember that you are important. You are enough. Take care, be safe, and be well. Until next time.

Have you ever felt that feeling that everything seems to go your way and then, BAM! Way out of left field something happens or changes that you can’t control. Take this whole virus experience for example. Everything was going great in my life, or so I thought. I signed up for my poetry class and for my writer’s conference. I also started this blog while putting together my sister’s bachelorette party too. I was so excited because I thought I was finally getting it together and finally realizing what I want to do with my life then, BAM! This virus hit and everything changed. If I didn’t already have two years of therapy under my belt, it still would be lost in the darkness. So deep down that it would be very hard to climb out of. Thankfully, being in therapy has helped me to cope with certain areas of my life so far. Some of these coping tools have been these: writing in my anxiety journal, taking deep breaths, exercising and just trying to take it day by day. I have also developed a new routine to keep a sense of normalcy as well. All of these tools have helped me to try to stay focused and calm. I understand why you feel the way you feel and why it’s so damn frustrating! But whether you like it or not, this is the new normal. Not just for me, but for everyone. We all must try to understand that this is hitting people differently all at the same time. The sooner we can all get through this together, the sooner we can go back to, what would be like, a new kind of normal for most of us. What will this new normal be like? Feel like? How will this change us as a person, co-worker, friend and family member? I don’t have an answer, but what I do know is to keep on practicing my worry tree. Whenever I am worried about something, I look to my worry tree on the fridge for help. I ask myself, “What am I worrying about?” I then ask, “Can I do something about it?” If the answer is no, then let your worry go and change your focus of attention. If the answer is yes, you will need an action plan to do something about it. Ask “What?” “When?” “How?” If you can do something now, then do the action, let your worry go and change your focus. If it’s something you can’t conquer now, then schedule it, let your worry go, and change your focus. Sounds so simple right? Believe me it takes some getting used to, but if you work at it, the better off you will be. We are all in this together. I am here for you even when you feel like you have no one. I’ve got you. We got this. You are enough. Until next time. Be well.

For as long as I can remember, I have been an anxious person. Up until a couple of years ago, I didn’t know that whatever I was feeling had a name to it. I just thought that this was who I am and I had to learn to live with it and deal with it somehow. With my mom’s generation, that was exactly how she was taught as a child and had instilled it in me all of those years ago. Back then people didn’t talk about their problems. They were just told to suck it up and deal with it. Well, that wasn’t going to fly with me anymore. I finally had the courage to ask my doctor one day if what I was feeling was normal and she told me that I might have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. After she told me this, I had realized that I needed to talk to someone who could really help me. My doctor then referred me to a therapist that I could talk to about my issues that I have been having in my life. I had lived in the darkness for so long, I thought there was no way I could fight my way out. Talking with my therapist has helped me to put a name to what I have and to help me to figure out a way to cope with it. By that I mean my therapist and I are setting those goals and working towards them, so that way in the very distant future, I will be able to do life without a therapist because I will be able to manage my symptoms better. She certainly has helped me to slowly fight my way out of the darkness. Two years later, I have made progress for sure, but there are days when I still doubt myself. I still question certain things about my life, like this blog for example. Right now, I am wondering if this will all work out. What makes my blog so special? What sets me apart from all of the other blogs out there? Why do I let the darkness consume me when I think this way sometimes? Then I write in my anxiety journal and take my deep breaths. I then thought positively and told myself that because of this blog I can help people. Over time I had let the darkness slowly consume me that I hadn’t realized how big this issue was. How did I let it get this far in my life and why had I ignored it for so long? Writing poetry has helped me in the past, even when I didn’t know all of my diagnoses that I had that was eating away at me. I hope that with my poetry, that I can comfort others and let them know that it’s ok. Everyone has their ups and downs, but the trick is to not let the downs get the better of you. Just by taking it little by little, day by day, you too can get to where I am today. You too can get towards feeling a sense of contentment and calmness. We are all in this together. Especially with this world stuck in this virus right now. I hope you are all staying safe and healthy out there. Until next time. Take care.