Has anyone ever had to make a really hard decision before? One that makes you nervous as hell, but you know you’ll feel better afterwards? That was me ten years ago; I was still young and naive. Wishing that things were better and wishing that he was better. Wishing that I was better. I am talking about my ex-boyfriend. Why do you ask that I am still wanting to talk about him after all of these years later? Its because sometimes those scars never fully heal. By sharing my story, I hope that I can help others realize a lot sooner than I did with the signs. To also be able to gather up the courage to leave before things get worse. Before you feel so trapped that there is no other way out. I don’t want this to happen to you. Please seek help the sooner the better! I hope that I can help you to make that difficult decision in your life. NO ONE should ever have to go through something like this. Here is my story.
They say “love is blind”. That was an understatement for me. I didn’t think anyone could or would want to love me. All throughout middle school and high school I was never a part of the popular crowd nor did any guy ask me out. Not even to a homecoming dance. Not as “just friends” either. So naturally the first guy that had taken an interest in me, I decided to go for it. Take the jump. Boy was I stupid.
We met through a mutual friend of ours back when I was going to the Technical College in 2007. He was kind, caring and respectable towards women. He would always make sure that I was well taken care of and that I was safe. That was what made me feel so attracted to him. He also had this confidence about him too. I think that is what makes guys attractive to me as well. But then again don’t they all start out being nice to hook you in? Make you believe all of their quiet lies? Well I fell for it.
My ex felt like he was the one in control. He tried to make me feel ashamed of my inadequacies to make himself feel more powerful. He would sometimes have these outbursts in an unpredictable way too. Most of the time I would walk on eggshells because I really don’t know what kind of mood he was in. Happy, sad or angry. He was like a ticking time bomb. I didn’t even realize there was another name for this kind of abuse until I watched a classic movie awhile back called, “Gaslight”. It certainly brought back some horrible memories. These signs that I found below are exactly how I felt for those three years that I was with him. How did I ever manage to duke it out for that long?
At this point in my life I was also hanging out with my sister and her friends too. My ex would get jealous because I would be hugging her friends. Her guy friends too. I am a hugger. I am what I am and I saw no shame in that. Apparently, my ex didn’t feel the same way. He would tease me and accuse me of liking them and wanting to go out with them. What a jerk right? Where’s the trust? He had friends that were girls. He was even still friends with some of his exes, which I didn’t like, but my opinion never mattered. Why couldn’t I have guy friends? Possessive much? I think so.
He would always demand respect too and to make me feel worse about anything wrong I did. When I did do something wrong, he would either yell at me, withhold affection, or shut down completely. I would feel so much shame and guilt that I would apologize even though it wouldn’t even be my fault. He NEVER apologized to me. I even changed my hair for him because it was what HE wanted.
There is an article that I had found most helpful when I was writing this post that I think could be helpful for you too. There is a portion that talks about if you might be codependent and what you can do to seek help. I know that it will be helpful for you to recognize the signs:
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
For three whole years I had put up with his (pardon my French) bullshit. When I had finally had enough, it was then in September of 2010 when I realized that I had been in denial for so long. I decided to end it one Sunday night after we got into yet another fight. When he asked me for the last time when I was moving out, I told him this weekend. It really threw him for a loop and it woke him up real fast. At first, he was shocked, but then he started to cry. Sobbing actually. He begged me to stay and to give him another chance, but the truth was, I didn’t love him anymore. All of the yelling and negativity pushed me so far away. How could anyone still be in love after all of that? I wanted those tiny pieces to heal and me staying in that relationship was not going to cut it. I was done. I wanted my soul to be free of this chaos. I needed my own space to figure out what my next step in my life was. I wanted to be free and myself again. You could tell he really felt like shit and I was glad. I’m sorry if that sounded mean, but I didn’t care. He made me feel like shit for three years! I was done. I had enough. I was not going to allow him to take control of me anymore. That was the first time I grew a backbone and it felt great! I felt so free and that huge weight was finally lifted off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to constantly worry anymore about whether or not I was going to be yelled at for every single little thing that I did. All of that emotional abuse took a toll on me and I’m so glad that I didn’t have to live with that anymore. I had also realized that by moving out and living somewhere else, how free I could be and that I can be myself and learn to enjoy life all over again. I was happy!
Even though this was only part of my story, I shared with you most of the highlights so you could hopefully recognize the signs for yourself. Thankfully this story does have a happy ending! I have been married to my wonderful husband of almost seven years (as of this post) and we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter. I am so grateful to have them in my life. Even though I managed to save myself and got out before it got worse, my husband saved me in a way too. You see I was friends with him while still going out with my ex. He showed me that there is more than just the abusive kind out there. He loves me for me and doesn’t belittle me or crush my spirit. He treats me with respect and we have built a strong foundation of trust and honesty. You can have that too. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy and loves you for you. Don’t wait. That part of your life was not meant to be it. Trust your instincts and break free. You deserve more! You deserve better! I am here for you always.
Be well,
Sarah